Oh Steven Gerrard

Joseph: My name is Joseph and I want to know what your favorite moment as a footballer is.
Gerrard: When I was, like, 8 years old, I was just messing around with a ball in my parents' house and then all of the sudden Maradona showed up and he was like, "Oh Steven Gerrard, even though you're just a kid, I can already see that you're going to be a great footballer and captain Liverpool and know a lot of things about science and time travel." And I was like, "Thanks, Maradona, but how did you get inside my parents house?" And he was like, "..." and I was like "..."
Producer: OK, Steven, that's a great story, but these kids are young -- that might be too much for them. Here's another question.
Amy: Which Liverpool player is the nicest?
Gerrard: One time Dirk Kuyt came up to me after training and was like, "Oh Steven Gerrard, you're so nice and I heard you once picked up a Toyota Camry to save a baby that was underneath it." And I was like, "Thank you, Dirk, but that's not true at all. It was actually a Range Rover and I picked it up to save three babies that were underneath it." And then he was like, "How did all those babies get underneath a Ranger Rover?" And I was like, "..." and he was like, "..."
Producer: Again, Steven, great story, but I think we should give the kids some simpler answers, don't you?
Gerrard: Yeah, I was just going to say that, but I was thinking about something else and you said it first so people would think it was your idea instead of mine.
Producer: Uh, OK, let's just go to another question.
Dan: I'm Dan and I would like to know, who would win in a fight, Batman or Jamie Carragher?
Gerrard: That actually happened last week. Jamie came to me in the dressing room and he was like, "Oh Steven Gerrard-
Producer: Wait, do all of your teammates really call you by your full name?
Gerrard: Of course not. My full name is Steven George Gerrard MBE and they just call me Steven Gerrard. What's the problem?
Producer: Nothing. Continue.
Gerrard: So Jamie was like, "Oh Steven Gerrard, I ran into Batman at the supermarket and he said he wants to fight me. What should I do?" And I was like, "I don't know because Batman is a fictional character and he's not real so if you saw him at the supermarket you were probably hallucinating or having a fever dream now give me a cupcake." And he was like, "I didn't buy any cupcakes." And I was like "..." and he was like "..."
Producer: Steven, again, just simple answers. Please. We have a lot of questions from these kids and we just can't devote that much time to each one.
Gerrard: Yeah, I know, before we started I was telling my wife Alex exactly what you just said and she was like, "Oh Steven Gerrard, you're so smart and good at Salsa dancing and that producer is dumb and smells like an armpit." And I was like, "I know, that's true, but it's not a very nice thing to say, so now I'm going to have to apologize when I tell him about this." And she was like, "Yeah."
Producer: ...
Gerrard: ...
Producer: Just give short answers and I'll give you a Phil Collins CD.
Gerrard: Yes!

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